Stolen reindeer sex or “twilight” tattoo: which fail was most “failosophy”-worthy?

“If you’ve ever taken a self-shot, tweeted about mermaids or asked the Internet about turtles, we are onto you.”

Ohhh, that’s the least of it after tonight’s “Failosophy,” Hasan Minhaj. In an episode that featured stories of doing it on cliffs and stuffing one’s face while on the toilet, there was enough idiocy to set off the Richter Scale, but there were three bombs that left the biggest craters.

First, in a segment that included crowd-sourcing the Internet for advice, one woman posed the following question to her social media friends: “Can I breastfeed my husband?” Panelist Jamie Lee couldn’t help but chime in with some encouragement: “Only if he calls it sweet nectar.” Uh, what she said?

Next, the man-on-the-street interviews got weird when one guy admitted he was caught putting reindeer lawn ornaments in compromising Kama Sutra positions, which landed him on the wrong side of the law. Well, we know someone who’s definitely getting coal this year.

Finally, one hopeful Forks, Washington, resident got a massive tattoo of the “Twilight” love triangle on her thigh. Just…why…?