Sorry, internet, chris pratt can’t be your new han solo

“Chewie, we’re home.”

With three little words, Harrison Ford said exactly what every “Star Wars” fan had hoped to hear ever since that rager on Endor underneath the falling Death Star fireworks: Han Solo is back in business. It gets better, too. Not only is Ford reprising his role as the slickest smuggler in the galaxy for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” now we know we’re getting even more Han in the form of his own solo movie. (His own SOLO movie? Oh, this is going to be fun.)
Christopher Miller and Phil Lord of “The LEGO Movie” and “Jump Street” fame are getting behind the wheel of this proverbial Millennium Falcon, and now that we know who’s directing the thing, all eyes are on who’s taking on the role of young Han Solo.

The casting conversation is going to rage on until we have a final answer, so let’s just scratch one option off the list right away: Chris Pratt. He’s out.

It’s no disrespect toward Pratt. We love Pratt. Everyone loves Pratt. It’s a Chris Pratt world and we’re all just living in it, and loving it. We could prattle on about Pratt all day. Pratt Pratt Pratt.

So, it’s not about that. It’s about a few basic things that rule Chris out:

1. He’s already Han Solo.

Except his name is Peter Quill, alias Star-Lord. He flies the Milano, not the Millennium Falcon. He hangs with a gigantic tree, not a gigantic Wookiee. He has a thing for a space-faring badass, albeit not a princess. All those similarities exist, and then some. Pratt already has a Han Solo and “Star Wars” franchise of his own in Quill and “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Nothing more needed.

2. He’s maaaaaybe Indiana Jones?

That’s the persistent rumor, at least. Nothing has been confirmed, though Pratt has made it clear that he’s up for putting on the fedora and kicking supernatural Nazi butt. If he winds up in Disney’s eventual (and, really, inevitable) “Indiana Jones” reboot, then Han Solo would simply be one Harrison Ford role too many.

3. He can’t be in EVERYTHING.

Pratt’s the star of a Marvel movie, he’s the star of a record-breaking “Jurassic” reboot, and he’s maybe-possibly-probably taking on “Indiana Jones” one of these days. That’s three huge franchises under his belt. He can’t add “Star Wars” to the stack. That’s an embarrassment of riches. We need to share the wealth here, people.

4. He’s also too old?

Hey, come on, put that away, Chris! It’s not an insult, it’s just the truth! Harrison Ford was 35 when he played Han Solo in the first “Star Wars.” Pratt is currently 36. The “Han Solo” solo movie (see how fun that is?) will tell “an early tale of the smuggler-turned-hero,” which suggests we’re going to see a much younger Han than ever before. So, with Pratt already being a year older than Ford was when he first embarked on “Star Wars,” he’s simply too old to play this take on the character.

5. He’s already Princess Leia!

What’s he going to do if he plays Han, too? Make out with himself? (Hmm.)



I know! I know. He even has history with Lord and Miller, too, having put his voice behind the lead role of their mega-hit “LEGO Movie.” And while everything about Chris Pratt is indeed awesome, there is such a thing as too awesome. See: Pratt as Han. So let’s abandon the idea now, and start looking forward to some other young up-and-comer getting the chance to make their big break.In fact, I think I found the perfect guy for the job…


…Burt Macklin, former federal agent turned Hollywood superstar. Lucasfilm, CALL ME.