16 throwback videos that marvel’s mightiest heroes definitely don’t want you to see

In 2015, there’s pretty much nothing better you can be than a card-carrying member of a Marvel superhero team — except for Beyoncé, of course. Even Chris Hemsworth would hand over the hammer to Beyoncé.

But before Hemsworth, Robert Downey Jr., and the rest of the Fantastic-ing, Avenging, and Guardian-ing squads rose to superstardom, they had to start small — like Clearasil commercial small. We scoured the Interwebs to find the most embarrassing commercials, TV specials, and Mary Kate and Ashley movies that featured Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, and let’s just say Loki seems a little bit less intimidating now that we’ve seen him rocking those Victorian tights:

 

As the ad says, Ruffalo can run, but he sure can’t hide from this 1989 Clearasil commercial — his first paying gig, according to a later interview with Vanity Fair. Hey, I’ve definitely done worse for 30 grand.

 

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This one isn’t a video, BUT STILL.Back in the day when board games for girls revolved around talking to boys on dream phones, talking to boys on regular phones for mystery dates, and madness at the mall, a young Chris Evans got the gig of a lifetime — he modeled as Tyler, the surfer guy, for the Milton Bradley game Mystery Date! Evans confirmed that this was indeed him during an interview for the recent “Age of Ultron” press tour, but alas — those who still have a copy of this old-school classic will not be hearing Captain America’s voice on that godforsaken phone; it was a strictly modeling gig only.

 

Not every embarrassing old “Avengers” moment actually aired onscreen — for Black Widow, for example, that moment came in this “Jumanji” audition video from 1993.

 

Sometimes when your dad is famous and does movies, you get to be in them too — and talk about balls, for some reason?

 

5. Lee Pace

Fleet Bank was so on fleek in the early 2000s, poor Ronan didn’t even have time to freshen up his breath while his date went inside!

 

Renner, of all the Avengers, was the king of embarrassing old commercials. But even his Bud Light ad is topped by this 1996 Kodak spot.

 

Thor, on the other hand, didn’t have to suffer through years of commercial work to pay the bills — but he did don a ridiculous wig and even better costume to play King Arthur in “Guinevere Jones” back in 2002, so.

 

Before he got “Clueless,” Paul Rudd tackled figuring out how to get those damn oldschool Nintendo cartridges to work in this very heroic NES commercial.

 

In terms of childhood promotional experiences go, at least Lizzie Olsen got to keep hers in the family… Olsen may be the most famous (acting-wise) of the sisters now, but back in 1994, she was nothing but “chopped liver.”

 

Groot was a hella fly break dancer in the ’80s — he even appeared in promo vids for the sport!

 

11. Don Cheadle

You can’t become War Machine before becoming an iconic, mid-2000s Super Bowl commercial staple first. Duh.

 

12. Kate Mara — AND Kat Dennings

Poor Sue Storm had to learn the hard way that you can never trust another human being — including future “Thor” star Kat Dennings — in this 1998 AT&T spot. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as being pushed in front of a train?

 

13. Tom Hiddleston — AND James D’Arcy

Unfortunately for fans of the Hiddles, he doesn’t appear to have a booming commercial history — but he did don a blonde wig and tights to star with James D’Arcy in “Nicholas Nickleby,” and that’s enough for me.

 

Star-Lord seducing Jerri on “Strangers With Candy” is basically a commercial — for sex.

 

This 1975 gem proves once and for all that Samuel L. Jackson is ageless.

 

Hope the Micatin helped your Athlete’s Foot, Coulson. 🙁