‘magic mike’: all 20 hot af stripteases, ranked by yeeeeeeah

Warning: Spoilers for “Magic Mike XXL” ahead!

Magic Mike XXL” thrust its way into theaters yesterday (July 1), so today is going to go down in history as a Very Good Day. Ice Cube may even want to consider updating his classic song in tribute.

The arrival of the Kings of Tampa into cineplexes and daydreams everywhere will be marked with celebration and Channing Tatum GIFs the world around, and discussion of the new movie’s more than 48 total minutes of male entertainment sequences (!!!!) will lead to the inevitable question: which “Magic Mike” strip sequence is the best?

Luckily, your pals here at MTV News are here to help you make sense of things.

Run to the corner store and have them break everything down into ones, because we’ve got some stripteases to rank.

 

20. “Like a Virgin,” “Magic Mike”

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I MEAN TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS AT LEAST

 

19. “Twilight” stripper parody, “Magic Mike XXL”

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Sure! We’d watch more of this.

 

18. Army group number, “Magic Mike”

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OK, we admit: that move of pretending like their crotches were machine guns was a nice touch.

 

17. Training sequence, “Magic Mike”

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In the Kings of Tampa we thrust.

 

16. The Kings of Tampa make a comeback, “Magic Mike XXL”

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Hello, boys.

 

15. The stripper police raid a house party, “Magic Mike”

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“Everyone 21 here?” Um, yes. YAAAAAS. Never underestimate the power of a hot cop.

 

14. “Save a Horse, Ride A Cowboy,” “Magic Mike”

ALEX PETTYFER as Adam/The Kid, in Warner Bros. Pictures’ dramatic comedy “MAGIC MIKE,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release.  Photo by Glen Wilson

As if this song could be improved, we had to get some strategically placed cowboy hats to really turn the volume up.

 

13. Tarzan paints a picture, “Magic Mike XXL”

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Extra points for artistry! Minus points for logistics. (How did he paint that lady so fast?) Also, all the stuff with the chair is terrifying but amazing. We’re laugh-screaming forever.

 

12. Matthew McConaughey’s swan song, “Magic Mike”

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Go out with…a bang? We appreciated the effort and also permanent imagery of a mostly-naked McConaughey Scrooge McDuck-ing in dollar bills.

 

11. Mike’s aggro dance, “Magic Mike”

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Maybe people should make Channing Tatum mad more often, if this is what happens.

 

10. Tito’s creamy yogurt dance, “Magic Mike XXL”

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A million, billion points for inclusions of body positivity, hot fudge and, of course, yogurt. Follow your dreams, Tito!

 

9. Matt Bomer has the time of his friggin’ life and sings us a song, “Magic Mike XXL”

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Please, as if we wouldn’t give extra credit for singing while being Matt Bomer. Dude’s a healer, and we’re feeling no pain.

 

8. “Pony,” “Magic Mike XXL” version

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Wuuuuuut. This is apparently what happens when Channing Tatum hears “Pony.” We should play “Pony” more often.

 

7. Stripper mansion, “Magic Mike XXL”

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Stripper Mansion, the most magical home in all of Stripperdom. This was like a 10-minute sequence full of thrusts and singing and butts and magic, and we’ve kind of forgotten English a little just reminiscing. Just imagine: this sequence has Michael Strahan, karaoke, and STRAIGHT UP ACROBATICS. Yas, queen.

 

6. “It’s Raining Men,” “Magic Mike”

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One word: Hallelujah. This is like a lesson in physics and hip flexibility.

 

5. Mike’s strip-off, “Magic Mike XXL”

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There isn’t any footage of this one released yet, which is how you know it’s some good ish. In short: he does straight up flips. He’s the Cirque Du Soleil of male entertainment. Nghhh.

 

4. “Marry You,” “Magic Mike XXL”

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Aww, Big D Richie! We knew you had it in you. Swoon. This is somehow so sweet and super, super hot, all at once. He’s done being a fireman, and just looking for his glass slipper.

 

3. “Cookie,” “Magic Mike XXL”

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We have very few words to accurately express how we feel about the big finale at StripperCon. What we do have, however, are many, many variations on something that sounds like “nghhhhhh” mixed with delighted shrieking and our hands flying to our mouths in constant displays of fear and amazement. An instant classic.

 

2. “Pony,” “Magic Mike” version”

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HOW DOES HE WHAT OH GOD fetch me a cool drink.

 

1. “I Want It That Way,” the savior of convenience stores everywhere, “Magic Mike XXL”

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This is my fire, and also probably the best thing that’s ever happened ever. EVER.