“buckwild” breakdown: breakups, beatdowns and “patrick schwasted”
When we last left “Buckwild,” the cast was in a post-rave haze, dealing with a night of fabulous flame-outs and near fist-fights and coming to terms with the fact that Shae may never leave her lousy boyfriend. Fast-forward one week, however, and, my, how things have changed.
Yes, after Thursday night’s back-to-back new episodes, we learned that Shae may actually have a backbone, Tyler isn’t a total jerk (and he can throw-down when necessary) and Jesse J has friends even skeevier than him. There were breakups, beatdowns and a whole lot of boozing, not to mention a failed entrepreneurial endeavor and a lot of gunplay. Oh, and America learned their new favourite phrase for inebriation: “Patrick Schwasted.”
So to get you up to speed on what you may have missed, here’s our weekly “Buckwild Breakdown.”
Tough to top Tyler’s thorough thrashing of Jesse B, but, in a pinch, we’re going to go with Shae finally ditching her dirtbag boyfriend Jesse J (not that one) and hooking up with Joey on the rebound. It was a power move in every sense of the term, and though we’re, like, 99.9 percent sure she’ll inevitably go back to Jesse — since they’ve already broken up “two or three times” — for one brief, shining moment, she was free.
Honorable mentions: the girls bonding over matching “NPS” tattoos — which stands for “No P—- Sh–” — with Shae going the extra mile and getting the phrase inked inside her lower lip (she will never regret this), that one scene where Shain literally has an entire can of Grizzly shoved in his mouth, Salwa coining the phrase “Patrick Schwasted,” college girl Katie getting towed behind an ATV, mostly because it’s the first thing we can remember her actually doing on the show.
Usually, this category is reserved for anything involving Jesse J, and while he made a strong showing this week — telling Shae to “Get your s— and kick rocks,” figuring out new and interesting ways to pronounce “especially” (for the record, he went with “ex-spechully,”) and wearing a neoprene arm sleeve for no particular reason — we’re bestowing the honor on his buddy Jesse B, who introduced us to his cabin/future crime scene — if your hillbilly hovel creeps out the “Buckwild” cast, you know it’s bad — inexplicably showed up at the girls’ house covered in blood and vomit, tried to hit on Salwa, got his ass kicked by Tyler and lost his shorts. Good work, dude.
Honorable mentions: Shae’s new bedroom, which comes equipped with black lights, Joey and Tyler’s failed attempt at launching a landscaping business (“Without goals and dreams, where are you going to go?” Tyler asks. Um, West Virginia?), the extended slo-mo shooting scene, which could charitably be described as “NRA Porn.”
Most Valuable Player
Undoubtedly, it was Shae, who broke free from the shackles of Jesse J, got a tat that would give Lil Wayne pause, licked apple butter off Joey’s bare chest (a food foreplay scene that hearkened back to “Last Tango in Paris”), displayed impressive skills with a potato gun, got her Black Widow on and shut down Joey’s post-hook up advances with the quickness. Now that’s an MVP performance.
Honorable mentions: Tyler, for serving up Mountain State justice on Jesse B (and getting blood on his shorts), Anna, for shutting down Shae’s pre-breakup whining with a cold-blooded “You know how I feel about this” and, in the process, handling business in a manner unbecoming of a reality TV star (which is to say, like a normal, rational human being), and Salwa, for engaging in an impromptu wet T-shirt contest and running in slow motion, ala “Baywatch.”
What were your favorite moments from “Buckwild?” Let us know in the comments below!