30 ways ‘back to the future’ taught you to root against time travel
Congratulations, “Back to the Future,” on turning 30 years young today (July 3)! Thank you for Marty McFly, Doc Brown, the electric clock tower, the sequels with hoverboards and flying trains, and all the various life-changing lessons you imparted upon all of us would-be time travelers.
The biggest lesson, by the way? That time travel sucks, and we should not be rooting for its existence. Here’s why.
1. Because traveling back in time means leaving behind the ones you love.
2. Traveling back in time means you can meet the ones you love, but it turns out, you really don’t want to.
3. You’ll find out that your mom has the hots for you.
4. She might try to make out with you.
5. You’ll find out that your dad is a total doofus.
6. You and he are more alike than you would care to admit.
7. Your parents’ peers are actually huge a-holes, and that’s going to make Sunday night dinner really uncomfortable to sit through upon your return.
8. You could travel far back enough to a world where no one knows who or what a Calvin Klein is.
9. You could travel far back enough to a world where no one knows who or what a Darth Vader is.
10. You could travel far back enough to a world where no one knows what rock and roll is.
11. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT ROCK AND ROLL IS.
12. Really, the whole “your mom is going to make out with you” thing is probably the biggest offense.
13. And if she doesn’t make out with YOU, then you’ll have to watch her make out with your dad.
14. Your only friend in the past is your present-day professor pal…
…who looks exactly the same 30 years ago as he does now, which means, maybe he’s an immortal vampire?
15. That very same professor pal might come to you one day and offer you a trip to the future.
Guess what? DON’T GO.
16. The future is pretty cool, but it’s going to get your hopes up. Case in point: hoverboards.
17. You will LOVE hoverboards.
18. But guess what?
They don’t exist in the present, and you’re going to have to come back here eventually.
19. No self-tying shoes, either.
20. You don’t have hoverboards or self-tying shoes in the here and now…
…but your kids are going to love them.
21. On the bright side? Both we and the future have awesome holograms.
22. Don’t accept any offers to travel back to the wild west, either.
23. Seriously, becoming a cowboy sounds much cooler in theory than it is in practice.
24. If there’s a silver lining, traveling back in time means sometimes, you do get to see your loved ones become total badasses.
25. And you get to see your enemies covered in literal s–t.
26. And you can stop your loved ones from dying in the future.
27. Still, it’s scary stuff. Going back to the past means you can even meet yourself.
28. That’s a whole other level of déjá vu you don’t want to get into.
29. So avoid time travel. Just stay with who you love right here in the here and now…
30. …and just watch “Back to the Future” instead.