13 times armie hammer’d your soul with his piercing blue eyes

“The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” hits theaters this Friday (August 14), and surely, there’s a whole lot about the film to talk about — like attractive man Armie Hammer’s relationship with other attractive man Henry Cavill, for example, and the super mod ’60s cars and costumes. But when wescreened the film, we had an “unfortunate” time paying attention to anything but Hammer’s mesmerizing, soul-piercing baby blue eyes.

Like, seriously — how does one human being come to own every single item on the conventionally attractive human being checklist? Like, tall? Yup, Armie’s got that: he’s 6’5″. Muscular build? Obviously, but not too muscular to the point where it becomes distracting. Blonde hair? Oh boy, is it ever. But it’s the eyes that truly slay… as evidenced by the photos below, which took us 17 hours to round up because we kept getting lost in them, to the point where we received many concerned phone calls from our loved ones.

Proceed with caution:

The time they gazed into the abyss and the abyss stared back.

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 12: Actor Armie Hammer takes part in SiriusXM's Entertainment Weekly Radio 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E.' Town Hall with Guy Ritchie, Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer on August 12, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM)
Cindy Ord/Getty Images for SiriusXM

What is even real?

The time they tried — and failed — to hide Armie’s identity behind a mask.

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Disney

The only good part about “The Lone Ranger” was those eyes, TBH.

The time he played two people so there were four of them.

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Columbia Pictures

“Where’s your twin brother, Armie?” is a joke we’re sure he’s not tired of hearing.

The time they perfectly matched the deep blue depths of the “Man From U.N.C.L.E.” poster.

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Mark Sagliocco/FilmMagic

(Damn you for making us type out U.N.C.L.E. every single time, movie.)

The time they joined forces with Henry Cavill’s for a smolder sesh that wasn’t quite fair.

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Ray Tamarra/GC Images

Stop, guys. The genetics just aren’t fair.

**No words**

LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 23: SUN NEWSPAPER OUT. MANDATORY CREDIT PHOTO BY DAVE J. HOGAN GETTY IMAGES REQUIRED Armie Hammer attends 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E.' photocall at Claridge's Hotel on July 23, 2015 in London, England. (Photo by Dave J Hogan/Getty Images)
Dave J Hogan/Getty Images

Now it’s our turn to stare into that abyss…

When they stared into the heavens – their once and future home.

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Getty

All beautiful blues go to heaven. This is fact.

The time they smized.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JULY 16: Armie Hammer arrives at the Israeli Philharmonic Orchestra's Lifetime Achievement Award Ceremony honoring Hans Zimmer held at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on July 16, 2014 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Michael Tran/FilmMagic)
Michael Tran/FilmMagic

And when you smize, the whole world stops and stares for a while…

The time they made us feel patriotic as hell.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JULY 21: Armie Hammer attends the UK premiere of 'The Lone Ranger' at The Odeon Leicester Square on July 21, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Dave J Hogan/Getty Images)
Dave J Hogan/Getty Images

A true American hero, this guy.

The time they asked you to come hither and you straight up almost died.

BERLIN, GERMANY - JULY 19: (EDITORS NOTE: Entertainment Online Subscriptions GLR Included) Armie Hammer attends the 'Lone Ranger' Berlin Premiere at Sony Centre on July 19, 2013 in Berlin, Germany. (Photo by Franziska Krug/Getty Images)
Franziska Krug/Getty Images

Stahhhhhp.

And then they hypnotized you and you can’t be held responsible for what you did next.

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JOHANNES EISELE/AFP/Getty Images

I lost four hours of my life that night.

The time they made Leo giggle like a schoolgirl.

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Lester Cohen/WireImage

The one and only time we ever had anything in common with Leonardo DiCaprio.

And finally, the time they were so mesmerizing they attracted the local wildlife.

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This was the only time in history that a non-rabid raccoon chose a human being over a garbage can. Fact.