Rayne from the Bloodrayne Series
Photo: Terminal Reality

With another humdrum E3 having come and gone, it's become apparent that E3 is a shadow of its former self. Gone are the elaborate displays, the huge announcements and the booth babes. Okay, so maybe not everything about the E3s of old was all good. While there might be some who mourn the loss of booth babes, scantily clad models that are paid to dress up as game characters can be seen as vaguely sexist and add nothing to the games. Of course, this problem is far from endemic to E3: girls in gaming have gotten a bad rap for years now, as emphasis for female characters is on their humps, their humps, their lovely bitmapped bumps.

Assembled below is a collection of some of the more notorious offenders when it comes to gaming. Whether you choose to see the D-cups as being half-full or half-empty is entirely up to you.

10) Lulu - Final Fantasy X

Credit: Square-Enix Ltd.

Yeah, okay, so, Yuna, one of the other females from FFX is a great, upstanding character who looks like she might have been based on an actual human being. Then we get Lulu, who looks like a belt rack at Hot Topic had gotten two soccer balls nailed to it. What's even worse is the fact that it looks like her chest is in a constant state of upheaval, as she's always bending over into ridiculous/awkward poses. Also, her main weapon is a set of animated dollies. Not creepy, at all. An honorable mention has to go out to Tifa from Final Fantasy VII, who seems to have a two dimensional personality: left and right.

9) Judy Nails - Guitar Hero Series

Credit: Activision Inc.

Also known as the girl that every single teenage boy has fantasized about at one point or another within the last 20 or 30 years or so. Everyone has known someone like Ms. Nails back in the day: they're that way-too-cool for you chick who is a little 'out there' with her style, but is always looking fashionable, sexy and edgy. Oh, and she's into rock and roll, in ways that your lame-o girlfriend could never, ever be. Unfortunately, Judy's own Jackie and Judy have become the central focus of what was the premise for a cool character. Witness her transformation into a kick-ass alternative chick from the first Guitar Hero into some sort of weird school girl fetish in Guitar Hero III, with more and more emphasis being placed on her being some sort of buxom jailbait fantasy, rather than just being a hottie who can shred with the best of them. It's okay, though, Judy, you still rock!

PS, Do you like me? [ ] yes [ ] no  

8) Rayne - Bloodrayne Series

Credit: Terminal Reality

Ooooooh, boy, is this a fun one. So here we have Rayne, the ultra-sexualized titular character from both Bloodrayne games who, in addition to her own oversized fun bags, comes with her own set of baggage, the less said about this, the better. Add to this that most promo art features her licking a rather phallic-like blade and that her costume includes a pair of 6 inch stilettos and you've got arguably the craziest individual entrant in this entire list. Oh yeah, and Rayne also has the dubious distinction as being the first video game character to be featured in Playboy.

7) Princess Ruto - Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Credit: Nintendo Co. Ltd.

So you're Nintendo. Well known and highly regarded for your family friendly games that don't focus on the violent and sexual material that seemingly permeates the rest of the video game world. However, you want to try and titillate your fanbase, who have grown up now and are familiar with your games. You don't want to include any nudity, because, hey, this is Nintendo we're talking about. So what do you do? Create a fish princess with nipple-less breasts and have her serve as a weird/disturbing girl for those fans out there who find the Legend of Zelda sexy. I guess it should also be mentioned that OOT includes some time travel sequences, which means you get to interact with a barely legal Ruto (consensus is she's about 17 or so) and a totally anywhere near being legal Ruto (age 10 or so.) Yeah. As if the prospect of nipple-less fishwoman boobs wasn't frightening enough, I just had to throw that in there. You're welcome.

6) Mai Shiranui - Fatal Fury Series, King of Fighters Series

So what do you get when you combine a fighting game with a hand towel and a pair of beach balls? No, you don't get DOA: Beach Volleyball. What you get is Mai Shinranui, the gaming vixen who made game developers to be legally required to include a scantily clad buxom female in their video games (see: Ivy from Soulcalibur, Cammy from Street Fighter, Li Mei and Kitana from Mortal Kombat, etc.) Now, I'm sure you're asking, where the hell does the hand towel fit and beach balls fit into this? Well, take a good, long look at Mai:

Credit: SNK Playmore

Yeah, maybe I was being a little generous with the whole hand towel thing. Perhaps I should have said a wash cloth.

5) Orchid - Killer Instinct Series

 I know I had just mentioned a bunch of femme fatales from fighters in the previous entry in the list, but I feel that Orchid's mammaries merit mentioning on their own. While Mai Shiranui might've started the whole concept of the 'hawt' female in fighting games, Orchid sort of took it to a completely new level. Promo videos for her prominently featured her body, objectified as only late 90s polygon technology could do. Orchid actually has her own entry for the Video Game Butt Shots Blog. Yes, there is such a thing, and yes, I discovered it while doing research for this article. All in the pursuit of journalism! Anyway, Orchid took it to a whole new level with her finishing move. While other characters in the game got 'cool' finishing moves that would maim, dismember or kill their opponents, Orchid got this as her finisher:  

Credit: Rare Ltd.

Yeah. I think this is the only time that breasts have been used in a video game as a weapon.

4) Lara Croft - Tomb Raider Series

Credit: Eidos Interactive

You were probably thinking that the Tomb Raider heroine was going to bust onto the scene at number one, right? Well, while Lara Croft certainly cleaved her own huge niche in the video game industry by way of her two buried treasures. Fanboys the world over have gazed lustfully at Ms. Croft's antics in Tomb Raider. Unfortunately for Lara, time has not been kind to her and the Tomb Raider games have sort of sagged in popularity and importance, having gained the same texture and importance as a horse that has been flogged way too many times.

3) Night Elf Female - World of Warcraft

Credit: Blizzard Entertainment

Warcraft III introduced the Night Elves as a matriarchal society. That is, the women generally ran things while the men slept around and got into trouble (see: Illidan and that whole War of the Ancients fiasco.) So basically it was a lot like real life, except with everyone having purple skin and pointy ears. One of the game's main characters, Tyrande, was actually a fairly strong female character, along with her Human counterpart, Jaina Proudmoore. All in all, WC3 did a good job of having some strong female characters.

So obviously the smartest thing to do was turn the Night Elf Female characters into your generic, run of the mill bimbos with a sexually suggestive dance that was cribbed from French chanteuse Alizee. Additionally, the Night Elf Females also had an idle animation that had the character bounce up and down and jiggle their jumblies, an animation which eventually caused outcry from WoW's large fanbase and resulted in Blizzard severely reducing the chance that particular animation would happen.

So yeah, the Night Elf Female's are the first instance of video game boobs getting nerfed. Figure that one out.  

2) Morrigan - Various Capcom Games

Credit: Capcom

Morrigan is one of those characters who just about anyone who has touched a video game in the last ten years or so would be familiar with. Originally from the Dark Stalkers series, Morrigan was originally the equivalent of Mai Shiranui for Capcom's monster themed fighter, with vampire (and Ryu clone) Demitri serving as the game's 'main character'. However, Morrigan's popularity quickly reached ridiculous levels, most likely because the monster she portrays is that of a succubus, AKA a sex demon. Yeah, now this is starting to make a bit more sense, right? Throw in a clone character/breast friend (Lilith), some Lulu-esque inspired contortions and a hint of a lesbian relationship going on between the two and you can see why folks need a drool cup whenever playing a game that features everyone's favorite succubus fighter.

1) Samus Aran - Metroid Series

Credit: Nintendo Co. Ltd.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. Seriously.

Way back in the heyday of the NES, there was this little game called Metroid, which was vaguely based off of the movie Alien and featured a character, named Samus, who ran around in a battle suit zapping aliens and what not. The big twist with Metroid, though, was that Samus was, OMG, a girl underneath all that armor. A great spin to the game and a significant development for depictions of women in video games. So what happened?
Zero Suit Samus is what happened. Y'see, most incarnations allow for players to play through the game again as Samus without her armor on. Recent versions have led to Zamus (as she is called) to look something like this:

Credit: Nintendo Co. Ltd.

Samus is also arguably the #1 female in video games, as she's the star of a long running franchise (something which other notable female characters, like Princess Toadstool or Zelda cannot say the same for) and has a huge and devoted fanbase. The fact that she's become more objectified than celebrated as a kick-ass hero, a la, say, Mega Man, is frustrating, to say the least. Unfortunately, out of the three spherical objects that Samus either possesses or turns into, there are only two which seem to matter to most fans these days. Boo.

Honorable 'Men'tions
Okay, so in the interest of fairness, we'd like to include a couple of notable males and their boobs. WARNING: nightmare fuel may follow, so proceed at your own risk.

E. Honda  - Street Fighter Series

Credit: Capcom

E. Honda, Street Fighter's requisite sumo wrestler has fallen off in recent incarnations of the game, but remains a popular favorite amongst fans, particularly with amongst those of the cosplaying subgroup.

Gorons - Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Credit: Nintendo Co. Ltd.

These creepy humanoids look like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Janet Jackson's nipple protector. Creeeeeeeeeeepy.

Yangus - Dragon Quest 8

Credit: Square-Enix Ltd.

Think Fat Bastard, but with a pimp crown. Man boobs and chest hair. Pardon me while I go puke.

Karnov - Karnov

Credit: Data East Co.

In Soviet Russia, boobs implant men!